(Written by an insecure middle child)
Barbie is not hot. Believe me, she’s just another Paris Hilton hosting all those white trash parties. If you love melting plastic materials, then you must love killing Barbie (and hopefully Hilton). Don’t mind Ken, he’s a no good guy. If you have been playing Barbie dolls when you were younger, then this too along with the other normal little girls, is your revenge. And if you are one of those brothers of the little girls who used to pull off Barbie’s arms and legs, cut her blonde hair and burned her body in the campfire, then you deserve a little reward.
It was reported that Barbie dolls have lead content that can cause brain damage. As Jay Leno said if your little girl is playing Barbie dolls, then most probably your kid is going to end up like Barbie. Now I won’t make Jay Leno shut up, I must admit, he has a point. Bringing back old times with Barbie dolls? Well, they just rekindle stupid memories when you once wished you were pretty like Barbie but you can’t be pretty because you have pimples and you’re not skinny.
Here are some reasons why you should hate Barbie
1. Barbie influences the little girls with these wrong ideas about being a woman. 1. That women are only considered beautiful when they’re skinny, blonde, long-haired and long-legged; 2. That beautiful women must wear skirts and fabulous dresses to be loved by boys. Indeed, Barbie set the standard of what is a beautiful woman.
2. Barbie pushes the girls to reach their puberty at an early stage – wear make up and get more boys. Barbie steals their childhood experiences. Daddy’s little girl is off wandering in the streets for boys. Also, expect her to skip dinner because she’s on a diet.
3. Barbie influences the girls that the girls are just created by God to put on some makeup, some nice gowns, skimpy skirts, halter tops and low neckline dresses everyday of their lives and their worries only include cosmetics and hair salons. And the worries about the world of politics and economics? Barbie should have clearly pointed out to leave it to the male species.
If you’re still not completely motivated, then you need to drink some soda and sushi to awaken your senses. And if you’re wondering if I ever played with Barbie way back when I was a sweet little girl, the answer is yes, every girl does. Every girl is Barbie’s victim so don’t ask me why I am so pissed off with Barbie.
Now I am on a quest to kill Barbie in our pop culture and bury her where no little girl can ever find her again. Finally, every little girl’s sweet revenge.
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No one wants to die, especially if you’re one of those men who commits sins above the average number of sins an average person should commit (don’t tell God). Another thing, no one wants to die if you’re as bad as Hitler (because you know hell is waiting for you).
According to Aristotle, man is born with the capacity to execute fair and proper judgment towards things. Before judging Hitler as an evil tyrant, maybe it’s time to offer sympathy and make him less evil just for a few hours or even a few days. As a temporary Hitler sympathizer, here are some of the things I would have suggested Hitler if he was to live today and then die for the purpose of making his life less miserable.
- Hitler should have pursued his passion for art. He should have painted flowers and beautiful landscapes for him to realize that planting daffodils is better than conquering countries.
- Hitler should have smoked weed with the Jews in his garage so he could realize that being a racist is worse than being a drug addict.
- Hitler should have watched a lot of porn so he would be staying inside his room and would have forgotten to declare war against Russia, Italy, and the United Kingdom.
- Hitler should have created a Facebook account so he could get the opportunity to communicate with the Jews, tag photos and get to like posts.
- Hitler should have killed Paris Hilton and Britney Spears . He could have slit Paris’ throat for her negative depiction of women in pop culture and rich girls as spoiled brats. He could have mutilated Britney’s genitalia for not wearing panties and for being an irresponsible mother.
- Hitler should have gone to the Philippines, visit the beaches and appreciate peace not merely as a concept but as an advocacy.
- Hitler should have done his hair in dreadlocks so he could be a bit cool and he would learn to understand other people’s culture.
- Hitler should have watched the Scrappy Coco movie and then get to realize that changing the world could be done in hair salons.
- Hitler should have talked to Megan Fox and then tell her to show some personality, not just some skin. Next time a reporter interviews her, I hope he could show a slice of her intellect (if she has one).
- Hitler should have played in a black metal band and inflict violence and hatred only in songs, not to his people.
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Paris Hilton is a lame singer, not a porn star. But when she’s on TV, everyone just can’t stop thinking she really is a porn star. And let’s not forget Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. So what really happened to pop culture?
With problems related to global warming and Obama controversies, I am still bothered by Paris Hilton. Now, I am finding ways on how to change the world without her.
1. Kill Paris or instead of letting her waste her time kissing dogs, make her take a master’s degree in mba online. That would serve her best. Next time your boyfriends tell you Paris and all the other women have nothing else to offer except stupid brains, tell them to go to hell and then kill them one by one.
2. Change the world by killing all emo band members. Hitler hates emo. Pathetic emo bands don’t belong here in this world, they should go to mars and be pathetic forever.
3. Kill all the cockroaches by stepping on their bodies, not by spraying commercial toxic pesticide. Save a few lungs and perform the cockroach massacre the natural way. Think of the crunchy sound each time you step on their fat bodies.
4. While there are possible threats about countries going after other countries for oil, be a good fellow by supporting vampires who only fly when they travel to other places, thus zero oil consumption. Support the witches and say yes to broomsticks.
5. Kill Kanye West and save all the teens and Taylor Swift lookalikes from being dissed.
6. Change the world and kill all those who tortured monks in Burma.
7. Kill the racists who claim Asians should be cooking for them, not sharing dinners with them. The world is not just about the United States.
8. Change the world and kill the men who claim that pop culture is anti-women. These men claimed women are gold diggers (as portrayed in TV shows like Joe Millionaire) and that women love to be stared at by different men when they are naked, posing for porn movies and magazines.
9. Kill the writers who keep telling the women to be skinny is to be beautiful. A woman is beautiful whether she is skinny or fat. A woman is beautiful whether she has boobs or without boobs at all.
10. Kill everyone who hates the Powerpuff girls. Kindergarten girls like the PPG can be superheroes in your town.
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