Dating Ozzy Osbourne

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While every girl is dying to be with Johnny Depp, I am dating Ozzy Osbourne. Dating the Black Sabbath lead vocalist is better than dating Johnny Depp because of the following reasons: 1. Johnny Depp is too hot for me;2. Dating Johnny Depp means having to compete against other hot girls who also want to get hold of his body;3. Johnny Depp is a lot younger, which means he is a priceless commodity; 4. Johnny Depp is not married compared to Ozzy, where you still have to be ready for a fistfight with her wife, Sharon, to finally date the godfather of heavy metal, which brings out the excitement in every girl conquering someone like Ozzy.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll ask him to take me to the cemetery and bury some fish and dog bones. And then, we’ll sit on a tomb and kiss under the full moon.

If I were to date Ozzy, we’ll be sitting outside his house (with Sharon tied on another chair) and feel the romantic and relaxing atmosphere while talking about Skrappy Coco, holy and unholy things.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll invite him to a tea party and make him drink lots of tea instead of alcohol. Then we’ll go to San Antonio and promise everybody he won’t urinate again on the cenotaph built by the people as a sign of honor to those who died at the Alamo.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll take him to the zoo and there he would see lions, birds and zebras and after a moment, he would bite their heads off. With blood on his lips, we will kiss and no security guards will ever interrupt us.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll make him attend to meetings of parent-teacher associations, let him speak in front of the teachers and parents to assure them that he’s not evil and he won’t make their children evil. He’ll give dove cufflinks and become the peace speaker of the parents to their children.

If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll tell his wife Sharon to shut up and date Johnny Depp instead.

10 Things Hitler Should Have Done Before He Died

10 Things Hitler Should Have Done Before He Died

No one wants to die, especially if you’re one of those men who are committing sins above the average number of sins an average person should commit (don’t tell God). Another thing, no one wants to die if you’re as bad as Hitler (because you know hell is waiting for you).

763fd50f96fb7be7db536284b0af50ceAccording to Aristotle, man is born with the capacity to execute fair and proper judgment towards things. Before judging Hitler as an evil tyrant, maybe it’s time to offer sympathy and make him less evil just for a few hours or even a few days. As a temporary Hitler sympathizer, here are some of the things I would have suggested Hitler if he was to live today and then die for the purpose of making his life less miserable.

  1. Hitler should have pursued his passion for art. He should have painted flowers and beautiful landscapes for him to realize that planting daffodils is better than conquering countries.
  2. Hitler should have smoked weed with the Jews in his garage so he could realize that being a racist is worse than being a drug addict.
  3. Hitler should have watched a lot of porn so he would be staying inside his room and would have forgotten to declare war against Russia, Italy and UK.
  4. Hitler should have created a Facebook account so he could get the opportunity to communicate with the Jews, tag photos comment on status and get to like posts.
  5. Hitler should have killed Paris Hilton and Britney Spears . He could have slit Paris’ throat for her negative depiction of women in pop culture and rich girls as spoiled brats. He could have mutilated Britney’s genitalia for not wearing panties and for being an irresponsible mother.
  6. Hitler should have gone to the Philippines, visit the beaches and appreciate peace not merely as a concept but as an advocacy.
  7. Hitler should have done his hair in dreadlocks so he could be a bit cool and he would learn to understand other people’s culture.
  8. Hitler should have watched the Scrappy Coco movie and then get to realize that changing the world could be done in hair salons.
  9. Hitler should have talked to Megan Fox and then tell her to show some personality, not just some skin. Next time a reporter interviews her, I hope he could show a slice of her intellect (if she has one).
  10. Hitler should have played in a black metal band and inflict violence and hatred only in songs, not to his people.

Shopping with Marilyn Manson

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Marilyn Manson is a genius, he is such a skinny genius. I don’t mind him being skinny as long as he’s a genius and an anti-christ superstar.

Yes, he hates Jesus. In his songs, he openly relates he doesn’t believe in a god, who he believes, doesn’t exist. Well, I don’t care if he’s an anti-christ superstar as long as he creates good music and he’s one skinny bastard. No wonder Dita Von Teese married him (and then left him). Forget about the sexy Dita Von Teese and face my next question: how would you like to go shopping with Marilyn Manson?

Well, I think you’ll enjoy shopping with Marilyn Manson. Think of all the other guys out there willing to strip naked and get raped only to be with the anti-christ superstar.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be looking for some black and white tights.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be going to the cosmetics section and find some black or red lipsticks and eyeliners. He won’t be MM without a lipstick or eyeliner.

If you’ll go shopping with MM, you’ll be shopping for some porn movies. What do you expect? He loves profanity! He even made one of his band members watch porn while strumming the strings of his guitar as a form of experiment.

After shopping for eyeliners and lipsticks where will you guys go? How about having dinner with Britney Spears? Imagine MM talking with Britney, asking her to kill herself because she’s too fat and shaving her hair because he wants her bald. I think this is not such an awful sight after all. He can encourage Britney to be a sweet anti-christ pop superstar and then no more fat Britney with Paris Hilton. Anti-christ superstars are supposed to be pale and skinny, at least that’s what my mom told me.