Why You Should Date Ozzy Osbourne
While every girl is dying to be with Johnny Depp, I am dating Ozzy Osbourne. Dating the Black Sabbath lead vocalist is better than dating Johnny Depp because of the following reasons: 1. Johnny Depp is too hot for me;2. Dating Johnny Depp means having to compete against other hot girls who also want to get hold of his body;3. Johnny Depp is a lot younger, which means he is a priceless commodity; 4. Johnny Depp is not married compared to Ozzy, where you still have to be ready for a fistfight with her wife, Sharon, to finally date the godfather of heavy metal, which brings out the excitement in every girl conquering someone like Ozzy.
If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll ask him to take me to the cemetery and bury some fish and dog bones. And then, we’ll sit on a tomb and kiss under the full moon.
If I were to date Ozzy, we’ll be sitting outside his house (with Sharon tied on another chair) and feel the romantic and relaxing atmosphere while talking about Skrappy Coco, holy and unholy things.
If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll invite him to a tea party and make him drink lots of tea instead of alcohol. Then we’ll go to San Antonio and promise everybody he won’t urinate again on the cenotaph built by the people as a sign of honor to those who died at the Alamo.
If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll take him to the zoo and there he would see lions, birds and zebras and after a moment, he would bite their heads off. With blood on his lips, we will kiss and no security guards will ever interrupt us.
If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll make him attend to meetings of parent-teacher associations, let him speak in front of the teachers and parents to assure them that he’s not evil and he won’t make their children evil. He’ll give dove cufflinks and become the peace speaker of the parents to their children.
If I were to date Ozzy, I’ll tell his wife Sharon to shut up and date Johnny Depp instead.
I’m a wannabe blogger who loves the 90s and Dr. Martens, an annoying mother and a jealous fan of A.M. Homes.
This blog is a reflection of my struggles to stay sober, creative and relevant for the past eight years. I deal with my very minor (perhaps imaginary) social anxieties through blogging about beauty products that I bought compulsively and conquering awkward feelings whenever I face the camera to awkwardly share my fashion outfits.
It’s orgasmic to finally let go of my thoughts and live different lives. Adios. May you find solace in other realms of the universe.