Dear Broken Hearted
Your first heartbreak wasn’t easy. It was one of those broken things you wished you could fix right away. It was worse than a badly written poem or a story without meanings, without forms, without characters. You were hardheaded but too gentle. You were vulnerable.
You resurrected Sylvia Plath within you – yet colder and less poetic. She wasn’t Sylvia Plath. My Sylvia Plath was poetic and creative and sensible. You thought about death often, it’s beauty and how you could end life beautifully.
You were Holden Caulfield. You knew you were about to crash. You resisted adulthood and society. In your ugly little mind, you were attracted to the things adults do – drinking, smoking, sex, swearing, work and paying bills. Still, you felt you were young and you weren’t supposed to feel terrible. Like Holden, you wanted all the beautiful things to last forever. You couldn’t handle pain and suffering. You were convinced they were meant only for grown-ups. You wanted to be a catcher in the rye because you believed that innocence is too beautiful to let go. And you shouldn’t let those kids lose their innocence.
You were too comfortable sitting on your favorite chair. You were too comfortable with old friends, old movies that you kept playing a couple of times in a week and old conversations that meant nothing three or four years from now. You hold on too much – to old things, old clothes and old memories.
You’ve read some books alright but they weren’t enough. You couldn’t write poems because you felt that your emotions weren’t ready. You were too happy. And happiness wasn’t such a good element for you to write something sublime.
Today I challenge you to kill your old self.
Heartbreaks aren’t so bad after all. You’re stronger now. You’re meant for greater things and a heartbreak is nothing but a sad love song. You’ll get over it.
And Sylvia Plath was lovely. She could have despised you for being less poetic. She could have despised you when you stopped writing. You can do all those squats while trying to remember the first lines of “Daddy”. You can be healthy and poetic, there’s nothing wrong about it. And yes death can be sweet but living is sweeter.
You are Holden. Learn to accept the fact that you cannot change the world. Changing the world is too elusive. The world is cruel, learn to live with it. “You can’t ever find a place that is nice and peaceful, because there isn’t any.” In the end, you let those kids fall off the cliff. There is nothing that should be done. You cannot be the catcher in the rye.
Perhaps it’s time not to be too comfortable and gentle. Build your walls. Don’t let your trust issues ruin you. It’s time to be confident and articulate. You can be confident. You can be smart. You have resources and you can use them. Stop thinking about your hair. Stop thinking about your dark under eyes. Stop thinking that you need to be pretty and smart and talented because you want to be different from other girls that you see in the social media. I’m sorry if you felt meaningless, I promise you it’s going to end soon. It’s not you who is ugly, it’s your society.
Go out. Find yourself. You don’t need to be Julia Roberts so you can eat, pray and love in unfamiliar places. Go to Budapest next year and discover why you’re so obsessed with the idea of being there in the first place. Think of those sausages in Germany and convince yourself to stay there for a week, just drinking beer (though you don’t really like beer), eating sausages and learning German. Meet strangers. Go bungee jumping with new and old friends. Do not let yourself be confined ever again.
You do not need to feel sad just to write. You need to write and produce a form of ecstasy within you and your readers. Yes, your readers may be your gods but do not let them own you. It’s all right to be trapped with the idea of the sublime. It’s all right to be jealous of A.M. Homes because she’s gorgeous and talented at the same time. Read as many books as you can. Let them provoke you. Let them inspire you. Sympathize with the characters. Pay it forward and write your own stories.
Happiness can be beautiful in many forms. Continue to find peace, love and happiness. You deserve all the beautiful things in the world. May you live forever.
I’m a wannabe blogger who loves the 90s and Dr. Martens, an annoying mother and a jealous fan of A.M. Homes.
This blog is a reflection of my struggles to stay sober, creative and relevant for the past eight years. I deal with my very minor (perhaps imaginary) social anxieties through blogging about beauty products that I bought compulsively and conquering awkward feelings whenever I face the camera to awkwardly share my fashion outfits.
It’s orgasmic to finally let go of my thoughts and live different lives. Adios. May you find solace in other realms of the universe.